I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I wish you could order shots online.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
