I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
