i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
