You just made me feel so damn special
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
