I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
