Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
