You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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