I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
