just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
