Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
There's always time for handjobs
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
