also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
