im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
