Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
