I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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