Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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