Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
