My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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