how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
