Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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