You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
