Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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