I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
