I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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