It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
