I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
