He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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