i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
