you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
