I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
