I just pynch a tree in the face
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
