He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
