I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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