you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
