I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
