Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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