I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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