I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize