I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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