I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Terrible idea I love it
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
