when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
