i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
