Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
