so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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