I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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