Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
