Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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