I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wish you could order shots online.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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