You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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