I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
