all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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