I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
