Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
