Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
