After last night, I could never be a politician.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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