Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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