I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
