Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
