Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize