where am i from again
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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