She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
