i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Four minutes until I can fart!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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