If i could tip my vagina, i would.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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