omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize