I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
