you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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