Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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