My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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