Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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