I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
where are my eyebrows?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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