When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you traded sex for a burrito?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
