if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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