can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
